it’s never over
I know I’m allowed to feel.
I’m a man. I saw a meme once about male self help books. They often state, “you should”….. While women’s books state “you deserve”….
It isn’t that far from how I feel. I should be better. Everything wrong is my own fault. I know it’s not, but I won’t be happy until I somehow fix these impossibilities.
And maybe that’s what hurts. The belief that control is still possible if I just try harder. That somewhere in the noise is a solution, and if I fail to find it, the pain is my fault. That if I could fix the impossible, then I’d finally be allowed to rest. Not before.
Everything wrong folds back onto me. Even when I know better, it doesn’t matter. Knowing doesn’t silence it. I carry the assumption that I should already be past this, that suffering this way is a personal defect, that endurance is the only way forward and the only proof I’m doing anything right.
Somewhere under the noise, I’ve always known. The body breaks. The system misfires. The world doesn’t care about fairness, and pain doesn’t wait for a reason. It happens. I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t deserve it.
I’m not broken. I’ve been hurting. They are very different.
And I can overcome the part of me that forgets that. I can walk through this weight without turning it into a verdict. I can sit in the aftermath and still reach for the light without flinching. Maybe if not a little bit.
A smile waits. Not earned, not bargained for. Just there.
The sun is out there. The clouds drift. The birds keep chirping. None of it paused for my pain. But none of it held it against me, either.